What ever happened to Puritan names? Parents, why have you abandoned classic nomenclature of your progeny? Every little towhead these days is named something like Connor, Avery, Tyler, Smith, blah, blah, blah. In an attempt to help you all, I’m going to offer some suggestions by which we can turn this thing around. These are theologically motivated and in fact reflect a return to the theology of Puritans, which I think is dope, in general.
These are full names:
1) Exhaustive Foreknowledge Jones
2) Authoritative Revelation Smith
3) Forensic Righteousness Dupree
4) Fruits of The Spirit Carter
5) Foreordained Taylor
and my personal favorite, for twins: Decreed Will Preston & Desired Will Preston
Parents-think about this. It’s a serious matter.
6 Comments
June 27, 2026 at 10:16 pm
Cheryl and I are arguing over this one as we speak:
Supra Lapsarian Piotrowski
I like it. She doesn’t.
She’s pushing for:
Infra Lapsarian Piotrowski
June 28, 2026 at 3:04 pm
AS this is an oh-so serious matter-how do you feel about nicknames? Sure Ex-Fo, Haus, E-Fore, Aut-dog… are all fun to say, but does the purpose of the name (Exhaustive Foreknowledge) get lost in the shuffle?
June 28, 2026 at 4:10 pm
Of the many problems with this idea, one is that if it actually catches on, you can be sure that there will be an accompanying huge surge of bad-theology names:
Anxious Bench Jones
Open Theist Anderson
Your Best Life Now Osteen
June 28, 2026 at 6:40 pm
What about these?
Prevenient Grace Keim
Unconditional Election Bork
Particular Atonement Davis
Semi Pelagian Parker
Or my favorite:
Perplexing Pericope Phillips
June 28, 2026 at 8:56 pm
I’m just going to name all my sons Nicholas.
February 6, 2026 at 10:16 pm
My wife and I have been looking for ideas for our soon to be born son. I was thinking along the Calvinistic TULIP approach. I had already suggested to her Increase in Grace and Perseverance Therein to the End as names for our 4th and 5th. But Total Depravity is a hard name to stick to your first-born. I really like Exhaustive Foreknowledge! But I think right now we are leaning heavily toward Justice.
God was so wonderful to me to give me a wife with the wisdom to say “no” to my first suggestion - Optimus Prime.